I remember my innocence, how he took it so violently.

I remember thinking, “how could anyone have this much hate in them?”

Then I found out, it had nothing to do with hate, but everything to do with control.

I remember I did all I could to make him happy. I remember the many times I would act silly hoping that it would make
him laugh. Oh my precious innocence, I had no idea that no matter what, he would never be happy, or satisfied
unless he owned me. Silly little girl that I was, I thought he wanted happiness for both of us, that was not what he wanted.
He wanted me broken. And broken he made me.

I remember when he was going to “teach” me to fly a kite, I crashed it to the ground, it broke.
He cursed me, I cried. I remember thinking, “how can anyone have this much meanness in them?” Silly little girl that I was.

I remember crying out in the night, needing to be held, but being scolded like a child for waking him.
How can anyone be so cruel? I remember the doctor telling me that I was sick, and was restricted to bed
rest for a week. I was carrying his child, and was in danger of losing the baby if I didn’t
follow doctor’s orders. I got my bed rest, but with it, his abuse and cursing. Would there be no end to his cruelty?
Was I to live this way the rest of my life? Surely not.
I remember the threats when I tried to leave. “I’ll kill you and take the baby. You won’t get out alive.”
I remember thinking, “I’d be better off if he did kill me. I’d be free then.” But when I saw that beautiful
little face looking at me, I knew that was true for me, but not for her. She needed a mommy to show her love,
she would not see it any other way.

What did I do? Well, I don’t remember now, I’m in this room with all white walls and they are trying to help
me remember what it is that happened.
All I know, is….I remember my innocence.

© November 3, 2003
Janice Jarnagin
Do Not Use without Permission!